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Transformers: The Last Knight

Transformers: The Last Knight ticketstubHoly shit, this movie is an epic disaster!


Fantastic Four

Fantastic Four ticketstubSo I guess they rebooted the Fantastic Four movies. This time, they took a different approach and made the four heroes young (early 20s) and not a team. Instead of going into space, the team, after getting drunk, send themselves to another dimension because they're pissed about not being allowed to go to another dimension. This other dimension has green lava and it kind of reacts to, well, I don't really understand how it works, the rules of this place are never explored or explained. As they attempt to transport back, they are assaulted by green lava and something happens and they get transformed into the forms we're familiar with. Then a year passes and The Thing is out doing Hulk stuff (literally, exactly what we've seen Hulk do in other movies) and Johnny is blowing up drones and unreasonably focused on doing something in five seconds instead of six. Sue floats around in a bubble for a long time, and Reed is in Panama wearing a really torn up environmental suit he made all by himself.

If you're thinking this sounds pretty dumb, that's because it is. It's also boring and never manages to explain why I should care about any of it. When Dr. Doom finally makes another appearance, he is deadly, and the Four do rally to defeat him, but it feels weird because they've never actually worked as a team before. They've all been off doing their own thing for a year. In fact, Ben/The Thing was completely unknown to Sue and Johnny until the night of the incident, so he certainly doesn't fit in with them. And then the movie ends and there's no post-credits sequence, so feel free to leave right away. There's also no chemistry or sense of team within the team, and their youth makes it feel more like a teen adventure with a taste of awkward teenage mild-aggravation thrown in because there's nothing else happening in this movie. There's also this old trope of the military wanting to weaponize the four of them and use this Planet Zero to create an army of enhanced super soldiers. Oh, and the weirdness around Dr. Storm who recruited them all and only refers to them as his children. Nothing like being a grown adult and having your employer constantly infantalizing you.

While this movie is a bad at being a Fantastic Four film, I can't even claim it's a fun action movie, given that there isn't much action and they never made me care about anyone (at all) in the movie. No one. Nothing. There is nothing here.



Lucy ticketstubI just... I don't know how anyone working on this movie could have possibly thought it would be a good concept. The premise is that humans only use "10% of their brain capacity." As an involuntary drug mule carrying a new street drug, Lucy is exposed to this drug when the package breaks inside her abdomen. Her current brain capacity usage is flashed on the screen throughout the movie like some sort of progress bar, and also a timer till the end of the movie (so at least you know how close you are to getting out of the theater). For some reason, stock footage was used at the beginning of the movie to show you that animals have sex and make babies and also to demonstrate what it feels like to be a gazelle stalked by a cheetah. I am not sure why they thought this was necessary, but it doesn't come back. Really, I couldn't get past the premise that we only use X% of our brain capacity. It should take someone less than one second to puzzle out that's bullshit, so why build a whole movie around it? Do they think us so ignorant that we might believe it? Alright, I'm sure many people actually do believe it, but that offends me too. Beyond the basic foundations of the movie, I struggle to think of anything else that is satisfying about it. The writing is hilarious in all the wrong ways, the plot is incredibly simple without any sort of twist or hook to keep you interested. The acting is... I guess on par with the writing, in that I can't blame the actors for the ridiculous things they're saying... but the wooden performances seem to suggest they weren't sure what to do with what they were given. I kinda liked the soundtrack, that's probably the only positive thing I can muster. If you were thinking anything like "eh, it doesn't look great, but I'll see Scarlett Johansson in anything..." slap yourself. It's not worth it.



Passion ticketstubI still hate Sondheim.



KnowingI wish this were some really cool existential statement on what it means to "know," but unfortunately it's about a crappy disaster movie. From Alex Proyas, the director of such entertaining movies as Dark City and The Crow comes this stinker about, I think, how much it sucks to know one's destiny. Other than that, I'm not sure there is a point. So, what are the issues with this movie? Badly written cardboard characters, stupid plot, weak acting, and atrocious writing. On the other hand, the pacing built nicely. Effects are pretty good, but that's pretty much standard these days. That's all I've got.